THIS is school.

Today I got elected as an officer in two of my subjects. I felt glad and hesitant at the same time cuz I get to do the stuff I like to do.. You know, when you go up in front and start blabbering and your classmates have no choice but to listen to you.. hahaha.. But what I hate about it is the responsibility that comes with it. Its like, everyone lets you or in most cases, EXPECTS you to do all the work cuz you’re the officer in charge while they’re just there, sittin pretty. argh.

I got to actually work my butt off today. Finally made use of the 5hour vacant I have every Tuesday and Wednesday.. daym.. I was busy but it felt good. School was getting kinda boring and I needed something to be busy with so I hafta say that this helped a lot.

Its kinda like having that kinda pressure I had with health care last year.. The thesis, the return demos.. All that made me feel like I was really a college student.. :p hehe..

Im taking ana and hopefully, if there are any open slots, Im taking hc1 too this summer. Man, good luck to me.. :p

I thought I was gonna hate ph&c, but when I got elected today and when he commented on my work, it felt good. Now I just have to prepare for our oral presentation on Wednesday.

Nursing week was really corny. You’ve no idea. if anyone ever finds out about what they’ve been doing, it’ll be a CRYING SHAME to sjc.

..

I was reading the newspaper in the library this morning (naks!) when I came across my horoscope for the day.. Im not really a firm believer of horoscopes but.. What the hell.

Do not allow yourself to be distracted by secondary matters but do not ignore them entirely. Do not be hostile to change, but think hard before making any substantial changes. Have more confidence and faith in yourself. Be sensible.

My gulay.!.. I was like.. ‘You gotta be shittin me..’ hahaha..
But yes, it got me thinking about it for a while.

In fairness, I think im slowly (sloooo-o-o-owly) trying to change the way I see things now. I don’t get paranoid (well, I try not to) as often as I used to and, Ive TRIED to again, slooooo-o-owly quit on my procrastinating. ;p cuz.. To those who are not aware, I am THE most procrastinating procrastinator in the world of procrastination. Hehe..

I know that there’s a problem here. At least half of the battle is won because I am aware of it.
Right?
Riiiight.

Notice the correct capitalization of letters which I totally ignore most of the time? Well.. I used ms word this time. Hahah. K, no point of sharing. I know.

This entry is dedicated to people Ive known here in p.i., who has taught me a lot in life.. there’s still a LOT of friends that I wanna thank but for now, eto nalang muna.. Ü

Muh bitches
Everyone knows that I have only a few girlfriends so if you’re one of ‘em, you must be special.. haha.. Ü I hate girls because sometimes they try too hard to look cool and some are too slutty, and some of them have a big mouth.. gusto ko yung steady lang.. Ü I have more boy-friends than girls because guys are more natural.. a lot of people think that im a bitch or im a flirt because I hang out with guys all the time.. but.. I DON’T REALLY CARE WHAT YOU THINK.. you can all kiss mah tush fer all I curr.. ;P


charmaine nothing beats having a BITCH best friend.. ahahahaha.. Ü through charm, i learned how to be patient.. i learned how true friendship works.. and most of all, i learned that sometimes, bitches fall in love too.. hahaha. Ü love ya bes..


jhem the boyish varsity player sa tropa.. through jhem, i learned that you can still look flirtatious even if you're not wearing any make-up and you're just wearing your varsity uniform..


kris, mai & dana these three laydees are living proof that motherhood makes a woman even more hotter.. 'nuff said.. Ü

the boys...


josh the first guy-friend i got close to in freshman year in college.. sweet, thoughtful and caring.. through josh, i finally understood what my kuya always used to tell me whenever i told him that he was a womanizer.. 'guys may fool around with other girls, but there will always be JUST ONE girl that they really love...'


maky makymac, mackward or dudap.. the typical chicboy lasalista.. haha.. we call each other homie.. maky and i go waaaaay back, and even if we dont get to hang out much now, i know ill always remember maky.. through him, i learned how to fix my bed every morning when i get up ( ahaha! ) and through him, i learned that its never too late to change.. he used to be a real playah but now he's a changed man.. i guess Josh Harris helped him a lot.. as how we always end our conversations... 'batet kita love? kase tayong dalawa.. always tama ang timpla!...'


Alfie or Alfred Vargas as everyone knows him.. knew him waaaay back his ‘pangako sayo’ days pa.. I just lurve him kase even if he’s accomplished so much na, he still keeps his feet on the ground.. he’s really nice, not like all those other airheads in showbiz.. so kuya alfie, kipititaps.. kita kitz.. Ü


Bry or brian.. Ü it started out as a dare.. my best friend and I were just hangin out at the rooftop at my lola’s condo when bry and his friends came.. charm dared me to talk to him and I should be able to get his number before our conversation ended.. Ive never done anything like that before because it sounds desperate.. hahaha.. but I hate being challenged kase feeling ko im being underestimated, so I did it.. and I wasn’t even drunk ha! Hahaha.. yabang. Through bry, I learned that I do have girl power pala.. hahaha..


Tzeng cham, chammy, boo, joseph, bootzeng.. gawd, the last time I saw him was on my 18th birthday in eastwood last feb.. through him, I learned the difference between love and infatuation.. Ü mwah tzeng!


Julius Julio or ‘baller’ as I used to call him.. he is the reason for the word BOLERO.. or SWEET TALKER.. I don’t care if he gets to read this because I know it, you know it, he knows it, she knows it, EVERYBODY knows it that what im sayin here is true.. Ü anyways, lesson I learned? Through him, I learned how to sweet-talk other sweet-talkers too.. ahaha.. ang labo ko talaga.. pero, eto talaga, through julius, i learned pano mag-detect ng bola.. haha..Ü


Johnc, jeco & glenn johnc, a commercial model and pornstar.. haha.. Ü if maky was a real playah, johnc has got to be THE ULTIMATE PLAYAH. I cant blame him though, he’s got the goods.. through him, I ‘realized’ that boys just CANT get enough.. si glenn naman, commercial hunk din yan.. Ü through him, I learned that sometimes love has a funny way for you to meet that person you’ve been lookin for.. kinda like what happened to me and zee.. glad yer happy now, glenn.. jeco- jerico, or coco is johnc's cousin.. hafta admit, he can be a real airhead sometimes but he’s a real good friend and confidante.. its kinda funny though cuz we used to go out but we ended up having this ‘lil sis-big bro’ kinda relationship.. through him, I learned that dating isn’t always a way to find a lover, sometimes, its how a good friendship starts..


mpd mark p.d. or simply mpd.. Ü mpd is the laconic type of guy… doesn’t talk much so you cant really tell what’s on his mind.. but if there’s one thing I learned from him, it’s the fact that, actions do speak louder than words…

hay.. sarap ng madaming friends..ÜÜÜ

wow. this is really sembreak. im feelin it. monday night, tita noticed that i was kinda feelin down when i got back home.. so the next day, she called up all my other cousins to come over.. tuesday.. mehn! the house was SO noisy!!! especially during the afternoon.. everybody was present. i felt like my head was gonna explode.. sheina kept making this really annoying sound.. but it was fun.. haha.. we went to one of tita nemie's friends nung bandang hapon.. we just hung out.. ate isaw.. and finally got to see tita nemie's crush.. haha.. and then went back home and had a drinking session.. gin and kool aid. haha.. kinda tasted like kiddi pharmaton, but its better than nothing.. haha.. wednesday morning, woke up with a hang over.. but more people came over during the afternoon.. so last night, we had a drinking session again. there goes trying to lose weight on sembreak. woke up kinda late today then went to my lola's condo, wala lang. just felt like i needed to be alone for a while. i was at the rooftop when it started raining so i just went home. my cousins are coming over again but i dont really feel like drinking again. ive been eating a lot lately and i dont wanna gain more weight.

starting on the 24th or 25th, i gotta start goin out to fix my school, and to get new contact lenses. was planning to have a new haircut but whenever i see those girls on tv with their really long, beautiful hair, i kinda start missin my long hair so imma try to grow it a little more. if i get bored, edi pagupit ulit! hehe..

it was my lil sis' 8th birthday yesterday.. mom said zee called her up and talked to shine.. haha.. i wonder what they talked about..

and yeah, i miss him so much..

im bored. but its ok. i kinda miss this. i miss bummin' around the house. i miss sleeping. i miss watching too much tv. i guess i just hafta 'savor' each moment cuz once school starts, i wont be able to do any of this again.

2 more months and its christmas! daym. time flies. i dunno where ill be for christmas. but i hope ill be where zee is on new year. 2005 na! shit. just a few more months and its my 19th birthday. wow. 1 more year and im 20. waaaaaaaaahhhh!!!!!! thas freaky.

random thoughts..

maky.. i was reading some of maky's entries and wala lang. he's a changed man na talaga.. ehehe.. back then, he was this really chicboy lasalista, i think josh harris' books really got to him. hehe.. anyway, im proud of you homie.. youve changed for the better. im glad that youre happy with your life na..

coffee cat.. the BEST and the MOST EXPENSIVE coffee is from cat poop. eeewwwww... i didnt get to watch it cuz i think i was already too drunk to watch tv.

alicia keys.. is so damn pretty!

i have 100 bucks left!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and i still have to reload later.. which makes it 75. waaaaaaaahhhhh.................

wala lang.

tuesday.. its my first morning in more than three months na i didnt text my baby as soon as i woke up. kinda feels weird and unusual.. i guess i was tired from yesterday so i fell asleep last night. but not after i cried. boohoo.

so this is it. this is really sembreak i guess. prolly the most pathetic sembreak in my 3 years in college. my last week in school was really stressful. i was still having really bad stomach aches at the time and i couldnt take my other exams cuz of that. the investigatory report in chemistry was also a pain in the ass but i managed to get over all of that so i guess all i have to worry about now are my grades. one thing's for sure, ill be FUCKED if i have a failing grade. im kinda worried bout biostat cuz i didnt take the physical exam. shit.

yesterday was kinda stressing too but it was ok cuz i was with my baby anyway.. and as long as im with him, i always feel that i can do anything. thank god it didnt take me forever to look for PNB in cubao.. but it took us like 50 years to find kuwait airways in makati. dammit. it was just fine the last time i went there, there werent any hassles. but anyway, eventually, we found it. i dont know if its the taxi driver or the stupid security guards who keeps giving us the wrong directions. after that, we had to find an atm machine which was another pain in the ass cuz almost all the atm machines in glorietta are unvailable. i cant believe that. that's MAKATI. everything is supposed to be working. the HARDEST part was finding a cab. i swear....... its impossible to find a cab in dasma. out of ten taxis, only one will pass by at pag minalas malas ka pa, may laman yung taxi. daym! we had to go all the way to robinsons imus to find a cab. i was SO worried that he might not get to the airport on time.. sobrang limited yung cash and time namen. i was worried bout my mom too cuz i was still in dasma at around 7:30. if i get home any later than 10, my mother will come here and slit my throat. it was really tense. but THANKFULLY, we found someone who was willing to drive us back to dasma to get zee's stuff and then to the airport. 800 bucks all in all. i have no idea if that's expensive but the important thing is he got to the airport in time. i wish i couldve come with him but i couldnt. i was tryin really hard not to cry in front of him so i ended up crying on the bus. i didnt care if anyone was looking. haha. but i tried to console myself with the thought that, hey, its only gonna be two and a half weeks. he'll be back before you know it. spare him all the stress for two and a half weeks. he deserves a break. he deserves to be away from all the shit here in p.i. .. so there.. i stopped crying. but daym i really miss him so bad..

im supposed to meet up with deo and jessa tomorrow but i dunno if i can. i have like 170 bucks left in my wallet. i just remembered i have to make a copy of bourne supremacy for zee's mom.. shit. i dunno if i still can. sorry baby..

ate jane went to her place in sta.mesa to fix her stuff so im in charge of angelo till she comes back. still.. cant take zee outta my head. i feel like im gonna lose my sanity. but then again, i AM insane. there's nothin' to lose anymore. hehe.

anyway, if yer readin this.. have fun baby.. enjoy your stay there.. yer lucky you'll be outta this place even for just a while. eat a lot.. you need to gain weight.. take advantage of the opportunity you have.. and get your ass back here soon so i can take advantage of YOU. haha.

didnt even have the chance to hug him reaaaaaaaal tight. gaddamit.

8am
zee's leaving today. =(

we watched sky captain and the world of tomorrow in sm manila yesterday.. and when i got home, i watched cellular. both are nice movies.

i really dunno what to saaaaayyyy........ daym. imma just get ready to go.. i still hafta find PNB in cubao.

if i dont update my blog again tonight.. it means im not in the mood. *sigh*

otei, let's see.. i was out the whole day yesterday with zee.. we met up ate ann and bought some pasalubong fer his lil cousin and his friend.. swear ta god.. buying a gift for a lil girl was so much fun.. especially if it was with muh beybie boo.. i wanted to spend more time with him pa sana but we ran out of places to go to and stuff to do plus my feet were already kinda tired so we just went home early..

couldnt stop thinkin bout him.. he'll be leavin tomorrow.. i know its a good thing though cuz he'll be fatter when he gets back.. hehe.. and at least he'll be away from all the bullcrap here in p.i. so.. i envy him.. tsss...

anyway, ill be hangin out with deo and jessa on wednesday.. i dunno where we'll be goin and what'll we be doin but heck i just wanna go out. if i stay at home, im gonna go crazy. i wish i had more cash so i can hang out everyday but im runnin out of cash too so screw it!!! argh. thursday i have to go back to my dentist.. and then friday imma go to the hospital and have my eyes checked and get new contact lenses. the next week after that, i might get a new haircut.. i dunno.. im getting bored with the way i look.. i wanna make sumkinduva innovation.. and thenn.... guess im gonna rot at home. watch tv or go online the whole day till enrollment.. shit. i just remembered.. im fucked if i have a failing grade.

joeper called me the other day, askin if i wanted to hang out with him in eastwood for the oktoberfest. of course i said no, not cuz its the right thing to do but cuz thas really what i wanted. i dont wanna say anything bad about anybody in this blog cuz lotsa people are readin it.. but.. i guess thas how some stories end. im happy with who i am now, even if we go through some problems sometimes but hey, its supposed to be like that. without probs, the relationship will be really boring. problems are what makes you stronger. i hope he finds happiness someday too. i gotta admit that sometimes, its getting kinduv annoying when he asks me out. zee's gettin kinda bugged out too but he doesnt really hafta worry cuz.. i can get stupid sometimes but ill never be too stupid to go out with any other guy except him. anyway, im not really in the mood to talk about joeper right now. i dont think ill ever be in the mood to talk about him.

im just missin zee right now.. he hasnt even left yet. and i know its just 2 and a half weeks. ill just miss him thas all.

im supposed to go to dasma this morning but hafta look after angelo for a while cuz ate jane's goin somewhere.. so ill just meet zee later in sm. sobrang crush ng bayan boyplen ko! minsan kaka bad trip but minsan ok lang. bahala sila sa buhay nila. basta he's mine, mine, MINE!!!!!!! *evil laugh*

i guess i better get ready now.. i cant wait ta see muh boo again today.. i wish i could come with him to the airport tomorrow but i dunno how.. if i find anyone who's willing to drive me back home, ill go.

good morning world.

i woke up this afternoon to find a message from my boyfriend saying that we cant meet up tomorrow cuz somethin' came up.. i was kinda disappointed bout it but anyway... so i just opened the pc and watched all the music videos i could find.. i watched this one movie entitled BREAKING ALL THE RULES.. its actually a love story and watching it made me realize (once again) how complicated love really is. i had fun watching the movie.. it sorta brought back some of the experiences ive had with love.. bakit nga kaya ganon noh?.. love is a contradiction.. it makes you whole but tears you apart.. its so complicated.. when you fall in love, like as in the REAL LOVE.. as in true love.. you overlook all the faults.. all the flaws.. you close your eyes.. you believe in lies.. you fight even if it hurts you so much.. you make a complete ass of yourself but you dont mind. you're not afraid to lose anything.. with love, you feel like you can do anything. you can conquer anything. but even then, why can love be so cruel sometimes? why do you let yourself go through all the pain? i dunno.. maybe because love makes you stupid. but i dunno.. i found the perfect definition for love though.. and its from a reliable source cuz its from the bible.. from the book of corinthians..

Love suffereth long and is kind.
Love envieth not.
Love vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, doeth not behave itself unseemly.
Seeketh not her own.
Is not easily provoked.
Thinketh no evil.
Rejoiceth not in inequity, but rejoiceth in the truth.
Bareth all things.
Believeth all things.
Hopeth all things.
Endureth all things.
Love never fails.

yeah..
oh well..

sembreak. a time to contemplate. a time to hibernate. a time for change. but then again... only if i feel like it.

took my ethics exam.. passed my investigatory report.. im all good.. zee's leaving on monday.. its still makin me sulk. but.. i guess he'll be alright.. he's gonna be with folks and im pretty sure he'll be taken care of.. but still...... *sigh*

nothing really interesting happened today. and i suppose its gonna be the same tomorrow. i dunno what to do tomorrow if im not gonna meet up with zee.. i wanna go out but i dunno.. i dunno where to go.. i dunno who to go out with in the first place.. ohhhhh well.

i was having this stupid conversation about dj, nikita, ricky martin and britney spears with my boyfriend.. wala lang, nag aasaran lang kame.. i told him that i would actually go out with dj just so i can make him happy.. im kinda frustrated that he didnt stop me. and he brought up this topic about the BOOK OF ANSWERS we read at the bookstore the last time we met.. i dunno whats up with that book.. but whatever.. anyway, if yer reading this.. i love you. thats all i need you to know. i dont really care about anything else. i just love you. and daym i miss you. you dont have the slightest idea. i know yer pretty busy and pressured right now cuz of yer exams and cuz yer leavin in a few days.. but anyway.. fuck i dont even know what to say. I LOVE YOU. there.

3:00pm
in my desperate attempt to be able to pass the investigatory report in chemistry, i went to recto to find one of those old edition highschool science magazines, bato balani. my stomach started actin up but i had to fight it.. im not giving up without a fight.. even if there's a 60% chance that i might flunk my subjects this sem.. anyways.. i finished my p.e. and fili exams today.. i have health ethics and my chem report to worry about tomorrow.. and then hopefully, i can finally rest.. zee's leaving on monday.. so im left wondering what to do the whole sembreak.. prolly try to lose some pounds.. blaze weed.. joke.. and have fun while i can cuz once i get my class cards on the last week, ill be dead. so yeah, thas prolly what im gonna do this sembreak.. live while i can. hek hek.. our PLDT line still has no dialtone and using the BAYANTEL line is such a pain in the ass, so im here in school.. im kinda not feelin too good so imma make this fast...

uhmm.. wha' else..

i wanna watch a movie... the last movie i watched was bangkok haunted.. i think. i havent even watched bourne supremacy yet.. i am such a LOOOOOOSER.

sometimes i feel like i wanna blow up.. screaaaaaaaaamm.... but.. aw well.

i havent been getting much sleep lately.. and im kinda getting used to it.. i havent been eating much lately (even if i wanna eat!!!).. and im kinda getting used to it too.. so goodluck to gettng back to normal eating, honey..

i think im gonna fail biostat cuz i didnt take the physical exam. *sigh*

i just thought.. ill be fine.. what would life be like without any problems? itd be boring. dull. so thank you for all the shit. all the pain. both emotional and physical. cuz this is when i feel like a superhero.. hehehe.. yeahhhhh!!!

9:58pm
went to the dentist.. did the laundry.. and so now.. im.. in front of the pc again.. yey. i kinda miss zee.. he's leaving na eh..
i hope i find my two profs tomorrow or im dead. :x
bat ganon noh.. parang everything's changed.. parang.. wala lang.. hindi na katulad ng dati.. nakakawalang gana.. nakakapang hina.. but anyway.. thas how it is i guess.. maybe i should really stop dreaming.. cuz everything in this life is a nightmare.. siguro dapat tanggapin ko nalang ang reality na ganun talaga.. minsan nasa taas ka.. minsan nasa baba ka.. neverthless, andito pa din ako.. tanga na kung tanga.. bahala na..

its 4am and i CANNOT sleep. im having the worst time right now and i dunno how to handle it. i feel tired, HUNGRY and nauseous. tapos zee made me worry about him so much that i was gonna wake up basil to check up on him.. argh. i hate it when he does that..

maybe i should just kill myself. that was a VERY good idea in the first place.. i shoulda done it waaaaaay back.

friends were texting like crazy, asking me about the earthquake.. i opened the t.v and they were talking about the earthquake too.. i just sat there.. askin myself.. 'what earthquake?!' if my memory serves me right, there was an e-quake some time last month too (which i totally missed. again.). maybe its the end of the world? the world is gonna crumble down pretty soon because too many assholes, bitches, LIARS and jerks are in it.

oh i know im so pessimistic right now.. side effects of hunger and pagka-inis. i have an investigatory report that im supposed to pass on monday and i havent even started yet. so goodluck to me.. ill prolly flunk in all my subjects and end up living in the streets. a scenario that i thought was gonna happen some days ago.. well i guess its where im gonna end up one way or the other.
there are times when i still feel really bad about the stuff happening in my life right now but there are also times when i just wanna forget about it and still try to smile cuz.. i dunno.. its over.. what's done cannot be undone.. sooner or later, i know that ill hafta move on. cuz thas the way life and love goes. its like a game. either win or lose. talo pikon. man, i was born to be life's guinea pig. i cant wait to die and make everyone happy.

this is prolly the most pathetic entry ive ever written.. or typed (wutever). so to make up for it.. fine.. life can be good sometimes.. like when i eat fries.. or i listen to music.. when it starts raining so hard just when i dont feel like going to school.. when someone surprises me with something to let me know they care and that theyre thankful that i give a fuck about them.. when a new friendship is born.. when i get to share things to other people.. when i know ive made someone happy.. when someone makes me happy.. when i know that even if life sucks, i have someone who loves me.. yeah, those are some things in life that i enjoy.

i always hear people say 'live life to the fullest'.. that can mean two things actually. like if you were a drug addict, living life to the fullest could mean quitting on drugs and starting over OR trying all kinds of drugs and really living life as a drug addict to the fullest.. whatever that means..

i already feel numb with all the shit, all the hurt and all the lies that life has to offer. and i know that life isnt done trying to beat the shit out of me yet so.. okay.. bring it on! i know its so not me for saying this, but ill die fighting. i may seem suicidal at times and all but i know that somewhere inside of me, im a toughie.. i just got a little crazy. which is normal. (i think.).. i dunno what's beyond life that i keep struggling, fighting to live.. but whatever it is, it must be beautiful..

*sigh*

zee made this and it was just.. perfect..

A Prayer For A Little Angel

Everyday when i wake up,
Every night before i sleep,
And all the time in between,
You'll be on my mind and in my heart.

I'm so sorry,
For being selfish, when i should be selfless...
For being scared, when i should be brave...
For being a coward, when i should be strong...

I cant live with what I've done and I cant live without doing it.
I couldnt give more than what i have and even that could never be enough.

So i hope that one day you can forgive me for something i promised id never do..
For something i thought i could never do.

You deserve better...
You deserve more...
So go fly with the angels and smile with God,
For you will never know pain, or hurt or guilt like i do.

And everyday and every night this prayer is for you..
My angel,
Wherever you are,
Aim for the moon and reach for the stars..

spend all your time waiting for that second chance..
for a break that would make it okay..
theres always some reason,
to feel not good enough..
and its hard at the end of the day.
i need some distraction..
beautiful release..
memories seep from my veins..
let me be empty,
and weight-less and maybe..
ill find some peace tonight..

in the arms of an angel..
fly away from here..
from this dark, cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear..
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie..
youre in the arms of the angel..
may you find some comfort here..

youre so tired of the straightline,
that everywhere you turn,
theres vultures and thieves at your back..
storm keeps on twisting,
keep on building the lies..
that you make up for all that you lack.
it dont make no difference escaping one last time,
its easier to believe..
in this sweet madness,
this glorious sadness
that brings me to my knees..


sorry.. youll always be our angel..